Facing the Man in the Mirror: The Hard Truth About Deregulating My Nervous System

I'm glad that healing is not a one-stop destination

It is a journey that I have continuous access to. I can always start back where I left off, and every inch of progress matters. 

It is a journey I have taken great pride in, with no set end goals, as I am aware that the unknown will keep unfolding with every step.

It is easy to believe that you've mastered patience, trust and surrender when everything moves in the direction you hoped it would. 

But when it doesn't, you're left questioning if the work that you've done even matters

Recently, I was in a season of life where I was calling in something deeply important to me.
I spoke to JAH in prayer and meditation day and night ceaselessly. I carefully planned my actions, and I executed them seamlessly. I worked toward it. I visualised it. I affirmed it. 

But nothing was changing...

Absolute silence
Not one open door
Not one opportunity
Not the slightest shift in direction

At first, I tried to stay positive. But as those days turned into weeks, then weeks turned into months....
And as those months passed, the weight of disappointment began to set in.

Slowly, I became frustrated. not only by the standstill, but I turned on myself. 

The weight was inward.

I spiralled into a frenzy of self-doubt, impotence and stagnation. Some days I couldn't even smile.
Misery had found its rest in my heart, and without even realising it, I slipped into a place darker than I anticipated.

My circumstances were not changing and my desires were not laid at my feet.
I no longer saw the beauty in the present moment; my mind was only fixed on the times ahead and what was not happening.

It was at that point, I saw the crack in my armour,
My emotions and my nervous system was dependent on external outcomes.

Despite the meditations,
Despite the visualisations,
Despite the efforts,
Despite working towards the mark.

Unknowingly, I placed my peace of mind into the hands of circumstances outside of me.
Being so attached to things I cannot control.

It was exhausting.

I ebbed and flowed. 

I eventually grew tired of fighting
It made no sense. In fact, it made things worse
I remember saying to myself very clearly after a cathartic release: 

"Is this really what I've come to? I have come this far to live like this?"

In that moment something shifted. ,

I was almost pulled back into time...
I started to remember the odds I've beaten
Every version of myself I outgrown
How I have expanded in ways I've never imagined
How much I've accomplished
How blessed I am

Gratitude returned..
And propelled my nervous system into a state of regulation
And reminded me that even in moments of uncertainty, there were still foundations beneath my feet
JAH has never left my side, even at this moment of frustration, JAH is still with me

Slowly, from that place my energy softened
My frequency started to recalibrate

I realized I made my desired reality a god in my life
I dishonored myself

I was so attached to that outcome that it began to dictate my life and my emotions
It was that faithful night I took back my power

I reminded myself of who I am,
That I am not separate from the source
And nothing I seek exists outside of me
I became comfortable with or without this desire fulfilling
In that surrender, I anchored myself in the present moment
Intentionally slowly down to observe and feel

I started to notice colors again
How the candlelight was flickering against the wind
How the night air felt cool on my skin
Subtle smells, the freshness in the air
I heard the quiet hum of the nightlife outside my bedroom window

I felt my breath,
I felt my heart
I saw the moonlight's reflection on a tree.
I began to contemplate the stars
How they need not of nothing, and yet illuminate everything

I started to remind myself, I am in control
Nothing outside of me, is more powerful than I am
I identified my limiting beliefs and I exiled them
I completely detached

And to my very surprise -
Or was it really a surprise?
Less than 48 hours from that release
My desire found me

Just like that, it was laid at my feet

Effortlessly.

As if it was waiting for me 

The lessons I learned within this season has more depth that I am still unfolding
I am keeping my heart space open for its revelation,
But what has come through  is the lesson of 

COMFORT WITHIN THE SILENCE

The silence made me uncomfortable
It made me feel lost, as if I had no sense of direction
But silence, I have learned ....

Is a powerful medium of transformation
It will always exist,
It is the opportunity to hear what is not being spoken

And to feel, what you've been running from
It is where the answers become clear

Silence is a powerful catalyst for growth
And to be able to experience it, is to be comfortable with it

Resistance only brings waste
A waste of energy and emotions
It clouds perceptions

Perceptions not only change with time, but they also evolve in silence.

I have learned, first hand
That the real work is learning how to stay grounded when nothing is changing
Stay present when things are uncertain
Doing your best, but not controlling the outcome

Facing the man in the mirror, and acknowledging what parts of the garden need more waters of patience, seeds of compassion and the pruning of growth. 

For now,

This is where I am in the journey

Not at the final destination...

I question if there will ever be one?

I am sitting in the silence and trusting that I am guided. 

Let the path keep unfolding.

A 🧿🪶