The Choice of Self Above All Else: The Heavy Weight of Dichotomy

There is always a point in one's journey where there's a light bulb moment. I have arrived at that point.

The point where you hold self-preservation in one hand and the love you have to give in the next, deciding how to strike the balance. The point where choosing yourself above all else, feels both like a blessing and a betrayal. A blessing to our spirit, but a betrayal to the expectations others have quietly placed on our shoulders.

We all love our family. We all love our friends. We may love the job, we may even also love our coworkers. But where do we draw the line in our love? Where do we set the boundaries? 

When will we stop becoming blind to certain comments, actions, attitudes and subtle digs?

I have to admit. I have reached a point in my trod, where I realize not all parts of myself are safe with everyone.  

This is the heavy weight of dichotomy, holding love in one hand and preservation in the next. Honoring both in balance,  without abandoning yourself. Boundaries are key in this dichotomy.  They aren't punishments, but healthy tools of preservation. 

You can respect your coworker and still say, "No, I won't be able to do that," without guilt.

You instinctively learn that some family members aren't emotionally available, so you can not bare your heart to them.

You can adore a friend, but you're learning not to overextend anymore. 

There comes a moment in some connections where you realise, you've opened your heart… but they haven’t opened theirs.

You’ve shown up with honesty… but they’ve shown up with uncertainty.

And it’s not personal, it’s simply misalignment.

We must learn that withdrawing isn’t coldness. 

It is self-respect. It is emotional safety. It is the wisdom to stop pouring where we are not being met.

It's not distrust. It's discernment.

Smile. Do as your told. Be agreeable. Go the extra mile. Sounds familiar? These are all demands society has placed on us to be "liked" or to receive "love".  But the minute we overextend to people please and every time we agree to bring comfort to others - we abandon ourselves in the process. 

Don't be misled or convinced by efforts to shake you when you choose yourself. 

"You're so sensitive"

"You're over reacting"

"Just do it nuh man"

"Blood is thicker than water"

"I thought you were a nice person"

This is where boundary work is critical. Where the word NO is your best friend.  This is where we shift into empowerment. 

Do not be fooled, be prepared for the tension. Be prepared for the breakdown in relationships, friendships and family dynamics. The more you choose yourself, the lighter you will become but the heavier the people around you will feel. As you have given them back, the expectations they've placed on you. 

And there comes a point where holding on costs more than letting go.

You can care for someone deeply and still recognise that the version of them you’re experiencing now is not auspicious for the version of you that you’re becoming.

And it's at that moment, the threshold has been reached. Shifting from reserving parts of ourselves to releasing the entire connection.

Not out of anger.

Not out of punishment.

But out of alignment.

Because choosing yourself isn’t always soft. 

It can be cataclysmic. 

Other times, it’s a door closing gently.

It’s the courage to walk away in peace, even while you still care. It's loving from a distance to protect your peace. It's resigning from the job that's wrecking your peace of mind. 

Letting go is the boundary that protects the life you’re growing into and the highest version of yourself. 

I can't end this blog post without turning the spotlight within. 

Self love = Self Discipline 

We have to look in the mirror and be honest and self aware.  Are we indulging in behaviours, activities, people, places or things that don't serve us? 

Sometimes we have to say NO to the person looking back at us in the mirror.  We have to begin by calling out our own unhealthy patterns and realzing that we can also be toxic.

Choosing yourself via boundaries doesn't make you a tyrant. It doesn't mean you love the people around you less. It means you love yourself enough to not disappear in the process..

This is the heavy weight of the dichotomy.  It will always exist, but the freedom that it comes with is extraordinary. 

Beloved, repeat after me:

I’ve learned to hold certain parts of myself closer.

Not everyone has earned access to every version of me.

I can remain present in the relationship while still protecting my softer places.

I now reserve the most vulnerable parts of me for spaces that feel emotionally safe.

And above all, I honour my connections, but I honour my peace even more.

I love myself unconditionally.

May my self love expand and proliferate, when it is challenged. 

Selah,

A 🧿 🪶